Angry over plumbing issues. I can’t even drop a small deuce in the toilet without it being clogged immediately. Shitty IV toilets are the worst.


On inadequacy

My greatest fear is that I am not good enough.

I’m afraid I’m not a good enough photographer.

After I upload batches of photos, I immediately look for critique. I go to my friends and ask them to look for deficiencies, hoping each time there will be none. 

I just spent a good hour going through my other friends’ photos, wracked with jealousy and annoyance. Why am I not like them? Is it my ability? Is it simply a stylistic difference? Why is there better feedback to their photos than mine? Do I need more equipment? Am I just not good enough?

I’m afraid I’m not a good enough academic.

I’m in college, but I’m always shadowed by the constant specter of my parent’s success. They both have doctorates in science fields, and I feel like I’ve disrespected their legacy by taking a humanities major, which is widely derided as easier than sciences, technologies, and maths. Do I even want to pursue a graduate degree? I don’t know, but all I know is if I don’t I just won’t be good enough. My parents always told me about how hard they worked in school to get where they are. I’m wrecked by the constant fear that I’m just not trying hard enough.

I’m afraid I’m not a good enough person.

Am I funny enough? Fit enough? Kind enough? Friendly enough?

What keeps me up at night is the thought that I might be alone because there is just something I’m missing. Is it because I swear like a drunken sailor? Maybe its because I don’t have good style. I haven’t felt a level of connection since high school, and I’m scared that I may not have that feeling for a long time. It can be lonely sometimes. A few of my friends insist that I shouldn’t worry, it’ll happen when it happens. If that’s the case… why hasn’t it happened?

Will I be successful? Can I top the level I was born at? Can I possibly surpass my parents? My peers? Can I be the best I can be? I don’t know. 

The fear of my inadequacy follows me everywhere. I hate it.

As a result, it pushes me. If there is even the slightest possibility that I’m not a good photographer, I’ll just get more practice. Invest in better equipment. Seek more opinions, push the limits of the editing software. I work harder on my essays, contribute more to class. I meet with professors. I’ll exercise, watch my language, go from zip-off hiking pants to jeans and shorts. 

I have had people ask me why I’m so hard on myself. I can be a really shitty person about myself. It manifests itself as cynicism and being over-critical, and it is really unhealthy and unattractive. What they don’t know is that my fear of inadequacy, although I speak frankly about it, is my motivator, my drive. Some people find the drive in the fact that they just want to happy. My drive is just so I don’t fail, and maybe if I push myself hard enough, I can even succeed. It’s that unhealthy drive that gives me strength, in an ugly and dirty way.

If it is my shadow, I can’t outrun it, but I can damn make sure it runs as hard as I do.

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